The Key to Relationship and Learning

by David Durovy 08/09/2021 | Read Time 2 Min. 42 Sec.

Foster and adoptive parents, and even biological parents struggle at times with behavior issues. Keeping in mind that children (and adults) don’t act out because they want attention, but because they need attention. One way to help this along is learnring to enhance/rebuild/restore our relationships. Here are some ways to consider.

“My child just doesn’t seem to learn!”

If you are like me, you have thought or uttered these words more than once. Especially with our kiddos. Besides the fact that the brain doesn’t fully develop until around 25 years of age (in a normal developmental process), other factors can enhance or inhibit a child’s learning ability. Here is a big one.

Relating Leads to Relationship Leads to Learning

Let me be clear. Relationship is not “We have a relationship. I am the parent. He/She is the child.”

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

For some, it may seem challenging to think of rebuilding a lost relationship with one’s child, thinking that it is too far gone, or we may not even want to, strange as that may seem to some. We may even fail to remember that they are, in fact, our child (even though not biologically). 

There is an elementary lesson here, so please don’t underestimate the impact of what seems to be so obvious, such as restore and repair. We are not talking just about school learning but about learning as a process. Parents are constantly teaching their children how to behave, the rules of life, good and bad, etc.

For years, all of the security, nurturing, and guidance a child received was from the parents. After spending that much time together, you have become a part of one another. 

In this manner, the relationship is never truly lost; the pathway always remains. Unfortunately, like an unused back country road, it may have become grown over and littered with breaks and cracks. Repair must start at the most basic level by simply slowing down and taking the time to reach out with a simple phone call, kind gesture, word of apology, or just light talk about something of interest.

The years together for adopted and foster children will likely be fewer, and what is there, much may be unknown. Yet, the same approach holds. Pick up the relationship right where it is and move forward. 

Forget About Behavior Issues When Things Get Tough

Forgot about the behavior issue or the learning for now. Get some ice cream, shoot some baskets or play a game. Build on the relationship.  Bryan Post likes to say, calm the stress, diminish the behavior. 

For help with what looks like rewarding bad behavior, read this article —  Reward Bad Behavior? Try It. You Might Be Surprised. Focusing on the behavior issues can sometimes end up in the weeds or on the battleground.

Here is what inspired me. It seems simple. Almost too simple. I recently heard about some research done in schools where the teachers were asked to find things of interest to them and also to their students. It could be sports, clothing, games, music — anything as long as the teacher could find something that they and the students were interested in. 

They found that the statistical increase in the children’s learning progress was significant compared to teachers who did not use this approach in the study.  Huge in layman’s terms. Simply put, their research showed that relationship (relating) leads to learning.

Many of us feel that our children are just not learning, at least in meeting our expectations. Want your child to learn? Find things that you both are interested in. 

If you come up with nothing, then find something. Enter into the life of your child and find some commonalities. Something you can  relate to. This helps build a fertile environment where the learning, however that might occur, takes place.

Hey, I Can Relate to That!

A relationship starts with relating. Start with something you can relate to—not something you can’t. Then build from there. The connection will strengthen on itself if we let it. Think in terms of “Hey, I can relate to that!” and keep on going. It might help to recall what it was like when you were young. 

So whether 35, 25, 15, or whatever age – RELATE. This may take some time, some digging, but it will be worth it in the long run. Park on this idea for a bit; it will grow. Behavior issues are symptoms of a deeper trauma. You are in this for the long haul.

By the way, if you run into your own objection by thinking that they just don’t deserve it, let it go. Love is not about deserving it. And, it doesn’t require anything in return.

People are illogical, love them anyway. The good you do today is forgotten tomorrow, love anyway; your motives are constantly questioned, love anyway. — Mother Teresa

Choose to Relate — David Durovy

Need more help? Try 6 Never Before Revealed Secrets of Love-Based Parenting 

Note: This article was written for parents and professionals with challenging adopted, foster, and diagnosed children in their care. It is also applicable as a parenting model for all parents. It was first published in The Post Institute Post Parenting Toolbox Series.

To learn more about Bryan Post and The Post Institute’s Love Based Family-Centered approach to parenting challenging adopted, foster and diagnosed children, visit The Post Institute. Bryan’s books From Fear to Love and The Great Behavior Breakdown have become classics for understanding and parenting children with trauma histories.

Please Note: The LoveMore Institute is a 501(c)(3) Nonprofit. Our work is made possible by the generosity of people like you. Charitable donations can be made here through PayPal’s Giving Fund Program. Purchases made from product links result in a small affiliate commission to The LoveMore Institute paid by Amazon.com. Thank you for this. Learn more about The LoveMore Institute’s work visit: Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter | Medium  | Patreon

You may have missed some helpful information. If you would like to join a community of love-inspired people who would like to receive up to 4 emails per month max. (1 x week) with a summary of articles, postings, videos, and resources put up each week on the website and blog. Share in the love and click here.