Read Time: 2 Min. 2 sec. Why kids lie is a natural part of child development as they learn to sort out facts from imagination. As they grow, some see lying as a way to get what they want, avoid punishment, and others as a way to survive. Learning how to deal positively and restoratively is our job as parents. As always, Choose Love and end lying.
Lying – Is It Really Such a Mystery?
“Life is such a mystery. At least it feels that way. There’s so much to figure out, so Much to know about, so much to understand. And then, when you finally do understand it, there seems to be so little to figure out, and there’s no mystery at all.”
Neale Donald Walsch wrote this in his Little Book of Life. He also says, “Normally confident, competent people fumble and fall, stumble and stall, crumble and call for help.”
I feel like that about parenting, especially Post parenting. When dealing with children for whom nothing works, everything seems a mystery and hard to figure out. Then Bryan Post comes along, and suddenly, “I understand.” There is so little to figure out, the mystery is gone, and all I need to do is love. Then along comes tomorrow, and wham! There is so much to figure out. I often crumble and call for help myself – and I write about this stuff!
Why Kids Lie and How to End It
This article is part 1 of 2 learning about a love-based Family Centered approach for dealing with all children’s lying behaviors. But especially important with foster, adopted, and diagnosed children who may have special baggage from ill-treatment of abuse, neglect, or abandonment.
One of our children, it seems, cannot tell the truth to save his life (or rather, he does lie to “save his life,” as we have come to understand with Post parenting). I know Bryan says, “using the techniques, you will notice a difference often within 30 days”. For many parents, 30 days of practice is enough to notice things changing. For others, it may take years and years and ….
Does this mean that it only sometimes works? After working with Bryan Post and following his parenting guidelines, yes, it always works. The variables are: how deep the trauma, the mistrust, the core issues our children have, and thus how long it might take to overcome and integrate these issues.
Neuroscience shows us that there are multiple levels of causality for every behavior. Connecting the dots can be challenging. Just as important is how patient and willing to change the parents are. Parents, bring a bag lunch and a clean change of underwear. It could take a while…
Or, stated another way, how much love do we have for our children to be able to, let’s say, “forgive seven times seventy,” as the Good Book says? (Spoiler Alert: This means a lot!)
Lying is Part of Being Human
Lying is a natural behavior for kids developing their worldviews and learning the difference between real and imagined. For them, it is a stage so let’s not be surprised when it occurs or take them behind the woodshed to teach them a lesson. Let’s get real. People lie. Adults lie. Presidents of countries and companies lie. Everybody lies to one degree or another. Think of your own “white” and not-so-white lies. I lie. Is it so unusual that our traumatized children with horrible backgrounds of abuse and neglect might lie to “save their lives”?
So, the next time you face your child lying (or even your spouse, bio kids or coworkers, etc.), remember Bryan’s words – ignore the lie, and don’t ignore the child. It is just the tip of the iceberg. Our job as parents is to help melt the iceberg. Lying has a foundation. Dig in, and find out the agenda and what is at stake for the child (or adult).
Next week we will share the summary of Bryan Post’s How to End Lying e-Book. If you want a head start, get your own full-length version using the link above for an instant download. Until then, give your kids and yourself a break. For extra credit, watch a 9-minute Youtube video Why Kids Lie and How to End It Now! by Bryan Post-Live.
Everyone lies for a good reason. Your parenting job is to determine the “good reason” your child uses. Practice empathy, compassion, and patience. After all, we have all been there.
Choose Love!
– David Durovy and Bryan Post
Banner Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
Why Kids Lie and How to End It Now! Bryan Post-Live
Miss the recent posts? Here you go:
Visit The Post Institute’s YouTube Channel for many helpful videos here.
Previous Articles:
- Learning How To Learn Pt. 2 Conclusion November 9, 2022
- Learning How to Learn Pt. 1 October 27, 2022
- Love is Letting Go of Fear October 12, 2022
- IEP (Individualized Education Programs) and Your Parenting Rights for Helping Your Child Succeed in School— FREE Resources September 22, 2022
- Co-Regulate for Successful Parenting with Oxytocin September 7, 2022
- Parents, Learn to Chill! Help Is Here — Mindful Anxiety August 10, 2022
- Becoming An Adolescent/Teen Whisperer Part 3 of 3 July 25, 2022
- Becoming An Adolescent/Teen Whisperer Part 2 of 3 July 13, 2022
- Parenting Teens: Becoming an Adolescent/Teen Whisperer Pt. 1 of 3 Parts June 29, 2022
- How Not to Parent and the Lessons I learned May 23, 2022
- Are You Being Too Conciliatory with Your Children? Too Soft? Too Hard? May 11, 2022
- How to REALLY Change Children’s Behaviors April 27, 2022
- Why Can’t My Kid Control His Anger?!?! April 13th, 2022
- Be The Calm In Your Child’s Life March 30, 2022
- The Science of Kindness: Serotonin, Endorphins, and Oxytocin Oh My! March 19, 2022
-
Just Stop It: The Best 5-Minute Therapy Session Ever! February 3, 2022
Want to Learn 6 Powerful Never Before Revealed Secrets of Love-Based Parenting? Visit Here.
There are many helpful articles for parenting challenging adopted, foster, or diagnosed children here.
Note: This article was written for parents and professionals with challenging adopted, foster, and diagnosed children in their care. It is also applicable as a parenting model for all parents. It was first published in The Post Institute Post Parenting Toolbox Series.
To learn more about Bryan Post and The Post Institute’s Love Based Family-Centered approach to parenting challenging adopted, foster and diagnosed children, visit The Post Institute. Bryan’s books From Fear to Love and The Great Behavior Breakdown have become classics for understanding and parenting foster, adopted, and diagnosed children with trauma histories.
Please Note: The LoveMore Institute is a 501(c)(3) Nonprofit. Our work is made possible by the generosity of people like you. Charitable donations can be made here through PayPal’s Giving Fund Program. Purchases made from product links result in a small affiliate commission to The LoveMore Institute paid by Amazon.com. Thank you for this. To learn more about The LoveMore Institute’s work, visit: Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter | Medium | Patreon
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Bryan Post’s Classic Parenting Books for Adoptive/Foster Parents and Professionals
From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted, Foster and Diagnosed Children by Bryan Post $14.00
Bryan Post speaks to parents about the challenges they face when dealing with behaviors that are often present in adopted children. He helps parents understand the impact of early life trauma and the impact of interruptions in the attachment process. Bryan’s straightforward, clear-cut approach has created peace and healing for hundreds of families; families who once operated in fear are now experiencing love.
“A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children. Honestly, it’s the best parenting handbook I’ve seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors… Even if you aren’t into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you’re a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book.” – Book Review By Literary Litter
“This should be standard equipment that comes with every adopted child! Post has successfully translated neuroscience into language that anyone can understand and apply to the very challenging tasks of parenting an adopted child.” – Aletha McArthur, OCT, Founder of New Growth Family Centre, Ontario, Canada
The Great Behavior Breakdown by Bryan Post $19.95
Start understanding the causes and steps necessary to help end, once and for all, some of the most difficult behaviors your child exhibits today.
Presented here are 27 of the most serious, problematic, and challenging behaviors that parents face and step-by-step guidance from one of America’s foremost child behavior experts on how to deal with them.
Addresses: Lying, Stealing, Self-Mutilation, Aggression, Defiance, Chores, Mealtimes, Hoarding/Gorging, Bedtime, Bath time, Brushing Teeth, Public Humiliation of Parents, Chattering, Clinging, Whining, No Eye Contact, No Touching, Too Much Touching, Poor Social Skills, No Conscience, Learning Difficulties and Sexualized Behaviors including Masturbation, Perpetration, and Pet Perversion.
“This book takes the foundation of attachment theory and brings it alive in the face of the most challenging behaviors that parents may face when parenting children with early attachment disruption histories. Rather than focusing on behaviors, Post goes into the very root of the cause and gives parents simple and concise guidance on how to respond in a manner that will help re-establish secure attachment where it may once have been lost.” – Sir Richard Bowlby, a respected and distinguished lecturer. He is the son of Dr. John Bowlby, the eminent psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst, who pioneered research on the impact of early attachment relationships between parents and their young children.
“This book will teach you about your own stress reactions, and how you can respond more effectively to your children from your own inner strength with compassionate understanding rather than reacting out of your fear.” –Myla Kabat-Zinn, co-author of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
Bryan Post’s best-selling classic is now available in Spanish as a PDF download for your Hispanic families and friends: Del Miedo al Amor – haya electrónica ($6.96)
From Fear to Love: Your Essential Guide to Parenting Difficult Adopted, Foster, and Diagnosed Children
Bryan Post speaks to parents about challenges they face when dealing with behaviors often present for adopted, foster, and diagnosed children. He helps parents understand the impact of early life trauma and the impact of interruptions in the attachment process. Bryan’s straightforward, clear-cut approach has created peace and healing for hundreds of families; families who once operated in fear are now experiencing love.
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