Read Time: 9 Min. 32 sec. Building a better future for our world without violence done through parenting. Here are some of the legal, moral, and ethical considerations.
I try to keep my articles to three minutes or under. Forgive me for exceeding exceed this today in this critical discussion.
Are We As Parents, as a Species Going Forward or Backward?
This article has been on my heart since I saw an article in our local Virginia news about a mother that was acquitted for using a belt on her 12-year-old twins. Then I read another article showing national news about teachers being allowed to hit students legally with a
Writing this is uncomfortable, but it is crucial to the parenting discussion.
I will present some circumstances, thoughts, religious beliefs, and practices in a way that hopefully does not offend you but invites you to see things from a different paradigm. Our love-based parenting mindset excludes corporal punishment and seeks healing and restoration rather than retributory punishment. As parents and professionals, I hope you will hear me out, consider, and maybe change your mind about certain parenting practices. Add to this some information about legal school-related physical punishment methods growing in popularity.
I know many of you have left this subject of spanking and other physical disciplines far behind in your parenting practice. Others may find this an assault on their religious, philosophical, or cultural beliefs. For some conservatives, this may elicit a cheer. I hope you will reconsider physical disciplines such as spanking, paddling, belting your children, and using other intimidating or authoritative practices beyond corporal punishment.
Please keep in mind that corporal punishment is only the end of a long continuum of ways a parent can control, intimidate, and manipulate a child instead of guiding, influencing, healing, and loving a child to help change or end unwanted behaviors. Time Out vs. Time In is one example. Withdrawing love can be one of the harshest responses a parent can use.
I will include the following resources:
Two news article links detailing how legal it is for parents and teachers to use belts and paddles on children for “disciplinary purposes.”
A short Bryan Post article, A New Parenting Paradigm;
One of Bryan’s creative short videos featuring Mr. T’s parenting wisdom;
Foster training teaches a scholar, “You do not hit our children.” An enlightening Hebrew Word Study article sent to me from a parent. The writer, Chaim Bentorah, a Jewish Christian Hebrew and Aramaic scholar doing a word study on the bible verse, “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child.” You may find this surprisingly insightful as to a commonly taught Christian misunderstanding of the meaning.
An article from a 20-year study highlighted by the National Institute of Health (NIH) Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research
You will have to do the work of reading and viewing to get a complete understanding of these resources. I applaud your desire to reconsider corporal punishment and other intimidating practices in your parenting.
So here we go… Resource #1
Missouri school district brings back spanking
A Teacher Can Use “Reasonable” Physical Force on a Student
Some may be unaware of the acceptable status of using a belt or paddle on children or the legalization of teachers paddling children in school.
“A teacher can use “reasonable physical force” on a student but give no “chance of bodily injury or harm.”
“You may be surprised to learn that corporal punishment—as it’s formally known—is legal in 19 states. That’s because a Supreme Court decision in 1977 said the technique was constitutional and let each state decide on its own rules. More than 69,000 children were punished physically in the 2017–2018 school year, according to the most recent data.”
Spanking in schools has loads of critics, including the American Academy of Pediatrics and American Psychological Association, which say it’s not effective and can give students trauma. A 2016 study found that boys, Black kids, and children with disabilities were more likely to be paddled than their peers.
Resource #2 Virginia Appeals Court Overturns Belt Discipline Conviction, Saying’ Parental Privilege’ Usurped
Apparently, it is a privilege to beat a child with a belt.
“Virginia’s Court of Appeals has overturned the conviction of a mother found guilty of assault and battery for disciplining her 12-year-old twins with a belt, after the panel said the trial judge overstepped her authority in suggesting she should have chosen a different punishment.”
“Virginia, like every other state, permits parents to discipline their children with corporal punishment. This ‘parental privilege’ excuses what would otherwise be battery in the ordinary course. To fall within the “parental privilege” justification, “discipline must be reasonable and not excessive,” according to the opinion.
The Charge
Quoted here from the article: A mother was convicted of assault and battery after disciplining her 12-year-old twins with a belt. While each child had a minor bruise or mark afterward, neither was seriously injured. The children were disciplined for using a cell phone outside the hours the parents had established. A mutual friend had texted the twins.
According to the opinion, the mother asked her son “to get a belt from her closet and told the twins to lay on the bed. She then hit them with the non-buckle end of the belt.”
Later that day, the son told a school resource officer he didn’t feel safe going home. When the daughter was asked by the resource officer, she expressed similar fear.
“The investigator testified that she saw bruises and marks consistent with a belt strap on daughter’s back and thighs when she spoke to daughter that day,” wrote the appeals panel.
The parent denied using corporal punishment that day, but argued “the evidence established a permissible spanking and not excessive discipline.”
Judge Jan Brodie found the mother guilty, saying the testimony of the son and daughter was “very credible.”
The judge also observed that “[t]his was over a texting violation. So the question is what could have been done by a parent and what should have been done and what shouldn’t have been done.” The judge stated that “instead of taking the phone and restricting their privileges the mother had them go get a belt.”
The mother was sentenced to six months in jail on each count and ordered to spend 15 days in jail for each count, with the remaining time suspended. Her conviction was overturned.
The Appeal
While intentional touching qualifies as battery unless the person doing the touching has some legal justification or excuse, the presence of an accepted justification or excuse transforms what would otherwise be a crime into a permissible act, the court opinion said.
The mother argued her convictions for assault and battery should be reversed because her actions constituted reasonable corporal punishment, falling within parental privilege.
The Appeals Court said: “A parent has the privilege to discipline his or her child ‘within the bounds of moderation and reason.'”
According to the court, “The privilege protects diverse parenting values and practices” while also limiting the “significant costs” on a family that can come from government intervention.
In this way, the privilege generally serves the well-being of children—reflecting a trade-off between protecting children from the harm a parent may inflict and the harm that comes from unnecessary state interference. Criminal proceedings may lead to incarceration or invasive community supervision, and civil intervention initiated by the child welfare system may lead to the removal of the child from the home. In this way, deference to parents provides a particularly important shield for low-income families and families of color who disproportionately experience state intervention.
The court considered the severity of injuries and risk to the children.
“Significant physical harm is best understood as involving injuries that are evidenced by something more than mere transient pain or minor temporary marks,” the court wrote. And, the punishment was not administered in a fit of anger, since corporal punishment “cannot be used as a cloak for the exercise of malevolence.”
In its conclusions, the Court of Appeals ruled the trial judge characterized what occurred as “a mere texting violation,” and suggested the mother “should have made a different parenting decision,” by taking away the phone, or restricting phone privileges.
“My client and I were very pleased with today’s opinion from the Court of Appeals,” said the mother’s attorney, Dennis McLoughlin, Jr. “We feel that it was a just result.”
I contacted Tim Kaine, a Virginia Senator about this article and conclusion. His response was only to tell me how important children were and all he is doing for them. Nothing was said about this Virginia law itself.
About Me
Those of you who know me or have been a reader of my articles published in The Post Institute’s Parenting Toolbox for the previous one and a half decades know that my wife and I fostered 27 children and adopted 4 of them from the Virginia foster care system at ages 6, 16 and 17 (siblings), and 21. We have taken sibling groups to help keep the kids together. We also served as evaluative consultants taking kids in at any hour of the day or night to help determine what type of household they would best thrive in (no other children, pets, etc.).
Over our 13 years, I have made many mistakes, and we have saved many children’s lives – literally. We adopted The Post Institute’s love-based family-centered approach upon the recommendation of the agency we worked with and have never looked back. It has taken a while to truly grasp and put into practice. The paradox is, to be effective in this approach, to change our children’s unwanted behaviors, we, the parents, must change.
I am not Innocent
I have slapped a sixteen-year-old adopted son across the mouth for refusing to stop using very foul language in the presence of younger ones. I wrestled another younger adopted son into the car (and broke a thumb doing it) and forced him to get his teeth brushed even though he fought the entire process. I later concluded that this action could have resulted in his hitting and hurting his face on the faucet. I vowed never to manhandle a child again unless life was at stake, and I did to save a life.
The slapping incident also turned out badly, as my son surprised me with a right hook and a severely bruised eye. This punch caused me to react with good intent (thankfully) as I grabbed him and held him in my arms to get him to stop fighting. It worked. He did stop. But this story ended poorly. Mental notes to self:
The second law of thermodynamics says that some things can’t be undone after they are done.
Newton’s 3rd law states that there is an equal and opposite reaction for every action.
But enough about my stories.
5 Important Lessons Learned
We learned some important lessons during that time:
Although we were fully trained before beginning to foster, we soon realized that no amount of training could have prepared us for parenting children who come from hard places. They came to us with plastic garbage bags filled with all the owned and trauma history baggage no child should be asked to carry.
We learned that although there are many solutions, only one works for children with trauma histories and typical children — love.
We found that love looks different to all people. Some prefer the tough love approach even when they use a belt on children, saying, “this will hurt me more than it will hurt you.” Little do they know. Some prefer the behavioral modification approach, while others follow Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline.
We choose the unconditional love approach after meeting Bryan Post, co-founder of The Post Institute. That is the kind of love that a child – no matter the behavior – cannot earn or lose. How this plays out in day-to-day parenting takes time and practice, but well worth the effort. And not just for parenting but all relationships, familial, work, and friendships.
Lesson #4, is best characterized as an adopted/foster child’s prayer by a colleague, Pat O’Brien, and founder of the most successful older teen adoption agency in the country (Yougottabelieve.org):
“May you love me the most, when I deserve it the least, because that is when I need it the most.”
Resource #3 A New Parenting Paradigm by Bryan Post
A paradigm shift is how you see the world. The lens through which you view all people, events, and things. The dominant society powerfully reinforces it. To change your paradigm, you must be willing to challenge your old beliefs. You must ask questions rather than take what has been said for face value because others have said it or believed it.
You must challenge your belief system to lead to a change in your thinking and then in your behavior. When this occurs, you will be changing your paradigm.
Why is this so important? Because how we parent stems from our paradigm. It is dominated by traditional thought at every level, engrained into our unconscious, our psyche, essentially defining who we are and how we relate.
Have you ever been in a public place witnessing a misbehaving young child while a frustrated and angry mom or day smacks, shames, or screams at the child? This behavior is traditional parenting. Control the child at all costs.
You may be shocked by the negativity generated by the traditional paradigm. If you have tried a love-based approach, your family, relatives, and friends may judge you harshly. The people around you who don’t know you will judge you. This intensity of negativity permeates our society and our relationships. There is no love here, only fear.
Then imagine, for a moment, seeing that same parent with the misbehaving child stop and breathe as they calm their inner self, unmoved by the stares of surrounding adults. That parent moves from reactivity to responding. The resulting actions, whatever they may be, can come from love with resources available to a parent in a calm, responding state. As Gandhi said, “we must become the change we want to see.”
Resource #4 Mr. T Parenting: Don’t Spank that Child — See Video Below
Resource #5 Contradiction: Spare The Rod — HEBREW WORD STUDY by Chaim Bentorah
Excerpt from his article: “I recently attended a class run by a private secular organization on caring for foster children. This organization works with the state in providing foster care. In the first class, our instructors made it very clear that as foster parents we were not to administer any type of corporal punishment or as one put it, “You do not hit our children.” I considered this in light of the more than five verses in the Bible that talk about using the rod to discipline. These instructors all had years of experience in raising foster children, and all of these foster children were brought to this particular organization because of behavior problems. I could not help but feel a sense of respect for these compassionate people who sought and struggled for ways to correct a child’s behavior without resorting to some sort of physical discipline.
I went back to these verses in the Bible found in Proverbs, written by the wisest man who ever lived, who himself was a king and responsible for the discipline of an entire nation, and wondered if I should take verses like Proverbs 13:24, 23:13, 22:15, 23:14 and 29:15 at face value.
Please understand that I am only offering this to you for your consideration. Maybe one day, God will point His shavat (scepter) at me and declare that I am wrong. I can live with the fact that I am wrong, but I do not care to run the risk of hurting a child and having to live with that. From the times God has allowed me to enter His heart, I think He feels the same way. —Chaim Bentorah
Resource #6 Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research by the National Institute of Health (NIH) Excerpt from the Report
Over the past two decades, we have seen an international shift in perspectives concerning the physical punishment of children. In 1990, research showing an association between physical punishment and negative developmental outcomes was starting to accumulate, and the Convention on the Rights of the Child had just been adopted by the General Assembly of the United Nations; however, only four countries had prohibited physical punishment in all settings.
By 2000, research was proliferating, and the convention had been ratified by 191 of the world’s 196 countries, 11 of which had prohibited all physical punishment. Today, research showing the risks associated with physical punishment is robust, the convention has been integrated into the legal and policy frameworks of many nations, and 31 countries have enacted prohibitions against the physical punishment of children.1 These three forces — research, the convention and law reform — have altered the landscape of physical punishment.
The Joint Statement on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth finds
The evidence is clear and compelling — physical punishment of children and youth plays no useful role in their upbringing and poses only risks to their development. The conclusion is equally compelling — parents should be strongly encouraged to develop alternative and positive approaches to discipline.46
Effective discipline rests on clear and age-appropriate expectations, effectively communicated within a trusting relationship and a safe environment.57
Key points
Numerous studies have found that physical punishment increases the risk of broad and enduring negative developmental outcomes.
No study has found that physical punishment enhances developmental health.
Most child physical abuse occurs in the context of punishment.
A professional consensus is emerging that parents should be supported in learning nonviolent, effective approaches to discipline.
As always, with these invitations to contemplate. Don’t just read this and move on. Read it a few times with time in-between for deeper understanding. Read it repeatedly over the course of a few days to delve even deeper into its greater meaning and application.
Note: This article was written for parents and professionals with challenging adopted, foster, and diagnosed children in their care. It is also applicable as a parenting model for all parents. It was first published in The Post Institute Post Parenting Toolbox Series.
To learn more about Bryan Post and The Post Institute’s Love Based Family-Centered approach to parenting challenging adopted, foster and diagnosed children, visit The Post Institute. Bryan’s books From Fear to Love and The Great Behavior Breakdown have become classics for understanding and parenting foster, adopted, and diagnosed children with trauma histories.
You may have missed some helpful information. If you would like to join a community of love-inspired people who would like to receive up to 4 emails per month max. (1 x week) with a summary of articles, postings, videos, and resources put up each week on the website and blog.Share in the love and click here.
Bryan Post’s Classic Parenting Books for Adoptive/Foster Parents and Professionals
Bryan’s booksFrom Fear to LoveandThe Great Behavior Breakdownhave become classics for understanding and parenting children with trauma histories.
Bryan Post speaks to parents about the challenges they face when dealing with behaviors that are often present in adopted children. He helps parents understand the impact of early life trauma and the impact of interruptions in the attachment process. Bryan’s straightforward, clear-cut approach has created peace and healing for hundreds of families; families who once operated in fear are now experiencing love.
“A Parenting Must-Have for Adopted, Foster or Biological Children. Honestly, it’s the best parenting handbook I’ve seen for someone with a child that has difficult behaviors… Even if you aren’t into reading, this book is a must have. If you are thinking of adopting a child, please read this book. If you have adopted a child, please read this book. If you yourself have been adopted, please read this book. If you’re a parent and have nothing to do with adoption in any manner, please read this book.” – Book Review By Literary Litter
“This should be standard equipment that comes with every adopted child! Post has successfully translated neuroscience into language that anyone can understand and apply to the very challenging tasks of parenting an adopted child.” – Aletha McArthur, OCT, Founder of New Growth Family Centre, Ontario, Canada
Start understanding the causes and steps necessary to help end, once and for all, some of the most difficult behaviors your child exhibits today.
Presented here are 27 of the most serious, problematic, and challenging behaviors that parents face and step-by-step guidance from one of America’s foremost child behavior experts on how to deal with them.
Addresses: Lying, Stealing, Self-Mutilation, Aggression, Defiance, Chores, Mealtimes, Hoarding/Gorging, Bedtime, Bath time, Brushing Teeth, Public Humiliation of Parents, Chattering, Clinging, Whining, No Eye Contact, No Touching, Too Much Touching, Poor Social Skills, No Conscience, Learning Difficulties and Sexualized Behaviors including Masturbation, Perpetration, and Pet Perversion.
“This book takes the foundation of attachment theory and brings it alive in the face of the most challenging behaviors that parents may face when parenting children with early attachment disruption histories. Rather than focusing on behaviors, Post goes into the very root of the cause and gives parents simple and concise guidance on how to respond in a manner that will help re-establish secure attachment where it may once have been lost.” – Sir Richard Bowlby, a respected and distinguished lecturer. He is the son of Dr. John Bowlby, the eminent psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst, who pioneered research on the impact of early attachment relationships between parents and their young children.
“This book will teach you about your own stress reactions, and how you can respond more effectively to your children from your own inner strength with compassionate understanding rather than reacting out of your fear.” –Myla Kabat-Zinn, co-author of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
Bryan Post’s best-selling classic is now available in Spanish as a PDF download for your Hispanic families and friends: Del Miedo al Amor – haya electrónica ($6.96)
From Fear to Love: Your Essential Guide to Parenting Difficult Adopted, Foster, and Diagnosed Children
Bryan Post speaks to parents about challenges they face when dealing with behaviors often present for adopted, foster, and diagnosed children. He helps parents understand the impact of early life trauma and the impact of interruptions in the attachment process. Bryan’s straightforward, clear-cut approach has created peace and healing for hundreds of families; families who once operated in fear are now experiencing love.
As you can see I chose to be anonymous. Once I understood it I followed Brian Post’s methods of love parenting the best I could. To a large extent it worked wonderfully. To some extent it did not. Both of my adopted kids came from early abuse and prenatal alcohol and drug exposure. Love worked extremely well with my son. My daughter was more affected ie. fasd. She would rage at me until I sometimes hit. I have huddled in a corner with her raging, breaking doors and kicking me. I have called 911. I knew hitting was not a solution. Me huddling in a corner was not either. My going in another room and closing or locking the door was a recipe for a broken door. Me leaving was not an answer since she would block the door or take the car keys. She is now 21 and no longer rages although she is often quite rude to me. I stay available to her because she is not really mature yet and she shows incremental progress in getting there. I also stay available because I’m primary caregiver for her 2.5 year old daughter. The only answers seem to be holding the course the best I can. I totally agree that hitting is not useful for anyone. I also know that, at times, a parent may act in ways that are not what they know are best.
David Durovy
· June 7, 2023 at 6:34 pm
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt comments. I know how hard it is, and I did hit once, which turned out badly for me and adopted son. I did not even intend to. I just did. You are doing what love asks, holding the course as best as you can. That is the best that any of us can do. — David
Victoria Covert
· March 24, 2023 at 3:05 pm
Excellent article! Thank you for all the hard work you put on it! God bless you, your ministry and everyone at the Post Institute!
David Durovy
· March 28, 2023 at 3:38 pm
Thank you Victoria, for your inspiration to write this. I am not sure what the response really is as I have not heard anything from anyone other than you. I was expecting, perhaps a mistake, some reactions, discussion etc. I wonder if it was too much for parents?
(also teaching, or working with children in any capacity) Read Time: 5 Min. 10 sec. The first dog training class I took taught me one important lesson: It was not the dog that was being trained, Read more…
Why kids lie is a natural part of child development as they learn to sort out facts from imagination. As they grow, some see lying as a way to get what they want, avoid punishment, and others as a way to survive. Learning how to deal positively and restoratively is our job as parents. As always, Choose Love and end lying.
You may have missed some helpful information. If you would like to join a community of love-inspired people who would like to receive up to 4 emails per month max. (1 x week) with a summary of articles, postings, videos, and resources put up each week on the website and blog. Share in the love and click here.
Bryan Post’s Classic Parenting Books for Adoptive/Foster Parents and Professionals
Bryan Post’s best-selling classic is now available in Spanish as a PDF download for your Hispanic families and friends: Del Miedo al Amor – haya electrónica ($6.96)
4 Comments
anon. · March 30, 2023 at 10:16 pm
As you can see I chose to be anonymous. Once I understood it I followed Brian Post’s methods of love parenting the best I could. To a large extent it worked wonderfully. To some extent it did not. Both of my adopted kids came from early abuse and prenatal alcohol and drug exposure. Love worked extremely well with my son. My daughter was more affected ie. fasd. She would rage at me until I sometimes hit. I have huddled in a corner with her raging, breaking doors and kicking me. I have called 911. I knew hitting was not a solution. Me huddling in a corner was not either. My going in another room and closing or locking the door was a recipe for a broken door. Me leaving was not an answer since she would block the door or take the car keys. She is now 21 and no longer rages although she is often quite rude to me. I stay available to her because she is not really mature yet and she shows incremental progress in getting there. I also stay available because I’m primary caregiver for her 2.5 year old daughter. The only answers seem to be holding the course the best I can. I totally agree that hitting is not useful for anyone. I also know that, at times, a parent may act in ways that are not what they know are best.
David Durovy · June 7, 2023 at 6:34 pm
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt comments. I know how hard it is, and I did hit once, which turned out badly for me and adopted son. I did not even intend to. I just did. You are doing what love asks, holding the course as best as you can. That is the best that any of us can do. — David
Victoria Covert · March 24, 2023 at 3:05 pm
Excellent article! Thank you for all the hard work you put on it! God bless you, your ministry and everyone at the Post Institute!
David Durovy · March 28, 2023 at 3:38 pm
Thank you Victoria, for your inspiration to write this. I am not sure what the response really is as I have not heard anything from anyone other than you. I was expecting, perhaps a mistake, some reactions, discussion etc. I wonder if it was too much for parents?