Dumbfounded by even the idea of love, I find that not only is there no real definitive answer, there are it seems many answers that may seem to be correct in a particular moment. And many that are just plain wrong.
I have failed. And this may be excellent news. I may not tell anyone what love is, but I can help you think your way to it.
Having been jolted by my friend Eleanor’s question when she asked, “what is love? You are Mr. LoveMore, tell us.”
Caught off guard, I took the easy, joking approach and responded with, “thanks for moving us into light conversation. Notwithstanding, I think you have hit the bullseye with this”.
I can wax eloquently on loving our special ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) kids. Still, God only knows what trauma lies beneath the surface of their short, tender lives that may take decades to work out, even if we have some knowledge from caseworkers as to the knowns. We do not know the unknowns.
As I have said to family and friends after years of foster care and adoption, “nothing could have prepared us for what we faced and experienced and failed at. Nothing.”
What these kids bring to us is not their fault. Yet, they are the ones who suffer the consequences and punishments for their behaviors, attitudes, and decisions. How fair is this?
If you have followed The Post Institute for any length of time, you know they are not a fan of consequences and offer a plethora of options to frustrated parents and professionals drawn from the concept of unconditional love.
But is love always warm, fuzzy, sweet, and a vision of loveliness to behold? I think not.
Like a plaster cast that envelops a broken leg, forcing a youngster to walk with a cane or crutches is not a vision of loveliness, but it is needed to restore the leg. Love may be like that, what is required, but not always easy to accept or live with.
I was very challenged by something I read recently and at first just passed by it. It haunted me for days, and finally, I went back to retrieve it.
“It’s not our job to toughen up our children to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless” — L.R. Knost (1).
Just how do we do that and prepare them for the hardships and disappointments that will surely follow? And how do we help them grow up so that they will make the world a little less cruel and heartless, I wondered? Thus began this week’s article as I write with my own cast on a hand from a recent surgery.
I further questioned, how do we train foster and adoptive parents as to what they will face and what they will need, knowing full well there is no way we can prepare them for in many ways a “thankless, frustrating, and impossible job”?
I still wonder that even knowing that love is the antidote to caring for hurting children (and adults!).
To help make this love lesson a little less clear, let me direct you to an often-quoted best-selling American poet of the twentieth century, Kahlil Gibran (2).
In his famous book, The Prophet, some soothing and distressing words to say about love may help fill in the gaps.
The words are printed below, though you may enjoy a three-minute break to listen to author Donna Goddard, Australian therapist, and more, (3) read this on her Youtube video.
Between reading and listening, you may appreciate both the dark and light sides of love and make some adjustments in your parenting journey.
NOTE: I am not here to give you answers; I am here to help you to think. Think deeply, dear readers, think deeply.
Note: This article was written for parents and professionals with challenging adopted, foster, and diagnosed children in their care. It is also applicable as a parenting model for all parents. It was first published in The Post Institute Post Parenting Toolbox Series.
To learn more about Bryan Post and The Post Institute’s Love Based Family-Centered approach to parenting challenging adopted, foster and diagnosed children, visit The Post Institute. Bryan’s books From Fear to Love and The Great Behavior Breakdown have become classics for understanding and parenting children with trauma histories.
You may have missed some helpful information. If you would like to join a community of love inspired people who would like to receive up to 4 emails per month max. (1 x week) with a summary of articles, postings, videos, and resources put up each week on the website and blog.Share in the love and click here.
I loved it or “loved it”! Have been thinking so much lately about preparation for fostering and adopting and what’s missing. I think that true understanding of trauma and ACEs is what’s missing. I say very often, actually, ad nauseum in my opinion, it is information and understanding that can’t be closed up in a tool kit (forgive me) but has to be part of how you see a child…not as broken being, but as a person who has had so many things happen to them that it grips them in fear. And that fear can only be lessened, over a very long time, thru love…yes! Connecthrulove
David Durovy
· January 27, 2021 at 9:52 pm
You say this so eloquently. Have you ever thought of doing this work professionally? Thank you, as always for your comments.
(also teaching, or working with children in any capacity) Read Time: 5 Min. 10 sec. The first dog training class I took taught me one important lesson: It was not the dog that was being trained, Read more…
2 Comments
Elaine Spicer · January 25, 2021 at 9:25 pm
I loved it or “loved it”! Have been thinking so much lately about preparation for fostering and adopting and what’s missing. I think that true understanding of trauma and ACEs is what’s missing. I say very often, actually, ad nauseum in my opinion, it is information and understanding that can’t be closed up in a tool kit (forgive me) but has to be part of how you see a child…not as broken being, but as a person who has had so many things happen to them that it grips them in fear. And that fear can only be lessened, over a very long time, thru love…yes! Connecthrulove
David Durovy · January 27, 2021 at 9:52 pm
You say this so eloquently. Have you ever thought of doing this work professionally? Thank you, as always for your comments.
Comments are closed.