Read Time 4 Min. 37 Sec.

Dumbfounded by even the idea of love, I find that not only is there no real definitive answer, there are it seems many answers that may seem to be correct in a particular moment. And many that are just plain wrong.

I have failed. And this may be excellent news. I may not tell anyone what love is, but I can help you think your way to it.

Having been jolted by my friend Eleanor’s question when she asked, “what is love? You are Mr. LoveMore, tell us.”

Caught off guard, I took the easy, joking approach and responded with, “thanks for moving us into light conversation. Notwithstanding, I think you have hit the bullseye with this”.

I can wax eloquently on loving our special ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) kids. Still, God only knows what trauma lies beneath the surface of their short, tender lives that may take decades to work out, even if we have some knowledge from caseworkers as to the knowns. We do not know the unknowns.

As I have said to family and friends after years of foster care and adoption, “nothing could have prepared us for what we faced and experienced and failed at. Nothing.”

What these kids bring to us is not their fault. Yet, they are the ones who suffer the consequences and punishments for their behaviors, attitudes, and decisions. How fair is this?

If you have followed The Post Institute for any length of time, you know they are not a fan of consequences and offer a plethora of options to frustrated parents and professionals drawn from the concept of unconditional love.

But is love always warm, fuzzy, sweet, and a vision of loveliness to behold? I think not.

Like a plaster cast that envelops a broken leg, forcing a youngster to walk with a cane or crutches is not a vision of loveliness, but it is needed to restore the leg. Love may be like that, what is required, but not always easy to accept or live with.

I was very challenged by something I read recently and at first just passed by it. It haunted me for days, and finally, I went back to retrieve it.

“It’s not our job to toughen up our children to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless”L.R. Knost (1).

Just how do we do that and prepare them for the hardships and disappointments that will surely follow? And how do we help them grow up so that they will make the world a little less cruel and heartless, I wondered? Thus began this week’s article as I write with my own cast on a hand from a recent surgery.

I further questioned, how do we train foster and adoptive parents as to what they will face and what they will need, knowing full well there is no way we can prepare them for in many ways a “thankless, frustrating, and impossible job”?

I still wonder that even knowing that love is the antidote to caring for hurting children (and adults!).

To help make this love lesson a little less clear, let me direct you to an often-quoted best-selling American poet of the twentieth century, Kahlil Gibran (2).

In his famous book, The Prophet, some soothing and distressing words to say about love may help fill in the gaps.

The words are printed below, though you may enjoy a three-minute break to listen to author Donna Goddard, Australian therapist, and more, (3) read this on her Youtube video.

Between reading and listening, you may appreciate both the dark and light sides of love and make some adjustments in your parenting journey.

NOTE: I am not here to give you answers; I am here to help you to think. Think deeply, dear readers, think deeply.

On Love

BY KAHLIL GIBRAN

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.

And he raised his head and looked upon

the people, and there fell a stillness upon

them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his

pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he

crucify you. Even as he is for your growth

so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and

caresses your tenderest branches that quiver

in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and

shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred

fire, that you may become sacred bread for

God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you

that you may know the secrets of your

heart, and in that knowledge become a

fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only

love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover

your nakedness and pass out of love’s

threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you

shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes

naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be

possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,

“God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am

in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course

of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,

directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have

desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own under-

standing of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart

and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate

love’s ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the

beloved in your heart and a song of praise

upon your lips.

(1) L.R. Knost http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/about-the-authorillustrator/

(2) Kahlil Gibran https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/kahlil-gibran

(3) Donna Goddard Youtube Video https://youtu.be/s-EcEgZHmgM

— Choose Love


Note: This article was written for parents and professionals with challenging adopted, foster, and diagnosed children in their care. It is also applicable as a parenting model for all parents. It was first published in The Post Institute Post Parenting Toolbox Series.


Post Institute

To learn more about Bryan Post and The Post Institute’s Love Based Family-Centered approach to parenting challenging adopted, foster and diagnosed children, visit The Post Institute. Bryan’s books From Fear to Love and The Great Behavior Breakdown have become classics for understanding and parenting children with trauma histories.


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2 Comments

Elaine Spicer · January 25, 2021 at 9:25 pm

I loved it or “loved it”! Have been thinking so much lately about preparation for fostering and adopting and what’s missing. I think that true understanding of trauma and ACEs is what’s missing. I say very often, actually, ad nauseum in my opinion, it is information and understanding that can’t be closed up in a tool kit (forgive me) but has to be part of how you see a child…not as broken being, but as a person who has had so many things happen to them that it grips them in fear. And that fear can only be lessened, over a very long time, thru love…yes! Connecthrulove

    David Durovy · January 27, 2021 at 9:52 pm

    You say this so eloquently. Have you ever thought of doing this work professionally? Thank you, as always for your comments.

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