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It is critical to understand that parenting is much more an emotional exercise than a cognitive one. The most important elements of parenting lie in facial expressions, timing, intensity, tone of voice, gestures, and eye contact. These are the most influential pathways to a child’s state-level of memory. The state-level of children who have experienced trauma is accessible 24 hours a day. If you know how to engage a child’s state level, which involves going beyond mere talking, the child can be influenced positively.  —Bryan Post, From Fear to Love

We like to think it is what we say has the most significant impact on our children. Indeed, this is true at times. Often, however, children don’t hear what we say. But whether or not they hear us, we can have a powerful impact, and more so than we realize.

Practice:

  1. facial expressions 
  2. timing 
  3. intensity 
  4. tone of voice 
  5. gestures 
  6. eye contact

We try to parent from our heads, where we hold our knowledge of best parenting practices. But, if our amygdala has hijacked our emotions — our flight, fight, or freeze behaviors have been triggered — or our brain’s orbitofrontal cortex (involved in social-emotional behaviors) has out-influenced or out-shouted our prefrontal cortex (cognitive control functions), the rational thinking part of us will not be in control and not able to use our most helpful parenting tools.

All this to simply say is that when we are emotionally triggered, that the higher intelligence part of us knows the best thing to do but cannot get its way. At this point, best parenting practices are not going to happen. Especially if we are trying to change a long-standing pattern of unhelpful parenting behaviors, we will likely continue to do what we’ve always done.

In this case, facial expressions, timing, intensity, tone of voice, gestures, and eye contact will most likely work against us and deliver a message that may add fuel to the fire. 

Before everything falls apart, use this intervention that Bryan Post recommends. He calls it the 3 Rs or 3 Steps to Peace:

  • Reflect: STOP.  Take 3 – 5 deep breaths. Ask yourself how you feel? Wait for an answer.
  • Relate: Honor your feelings. Acknowledge the truth. Tell your child, “I am feeling ___________. How are you feeling?”
  • Regulate: Seek to understand your child, put yourself in their place right now. Continue to breathe and relate — no matter how many times this may have happened before. Regulation, like love, will happen when we give it space.

This same challenge is also going on in your child’s brain and body. We have two independent systems here that are interacting and affecting each other. What we want is coherence, and for this, we need to lead the way.

Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of your child.

Then practice:

  1. facial expressions 
  2. timing 
  3. intensity 
  4. tone of voice 
  5. gestures 
  6. eye contact

Bryan Post gives us a way to easily, almost without effort, bypass some, much, or all of the neural activity in our child that is working against us. It is more a matter of subconscious or unconscious signals and receptors operating for better or worse.

Learning to change from trying to control your child to control yourself is the way through and around all the activity that our brains are dealing with and helps us to move from demanding to influencing. Connection first leads to compliance second. Not the other way around.

Have I mentioned Practice?

  1. facial expressions 
  2. timing 
  3. intensity 
  4. tone of voice 
  5. gestures 
  6. eye contact

These simple variables can have a dramatic effect on both you and your child. Be mindful in all your interactions. Notice what happens and learn what works and what doesn’t.

  1. What is your face saying?
  2. Can you breathe, wait, not talk at all, talk with, and not at?
  3. Can you use your inside voice and lower your intensity? Can you talk gently but firmly?
  4. “Don’t use that tone of voice” could be your message to you. Does your tone say “I love you”?
  5. What are your hands doing, saying? Are your fists balled, fingers pointing? Or are they open and relaxed?
  6. Can you keep eye contact patiently even if your child doesn’t? What are your eyes saying?
  7.  Choose Love. Can you? Will you?

Practice working with one of these per day. Your awareness will grow, your influence will grow, your window of tolerance with grow, your peace will grow, and your love will grow. Have fun playing with them.

—Choose Love.


Note: This article was written for parents and professionals with challenging adopted, foster, and diagnosed children in their care. It is also applicable as a parenting model for all parents. It was first published in The Post Institute Post Parenting Toolbox Series.

Post Institute

To learn more about Bryan Post and The Post Institute’s Love Based Family-Centered approach to parenting challenging adopted, foster and diagnosed children, visit  The Post Institute. Bryan’s books From Fear to Love and The Great Behavior Breakdown have become classics for understanding and parenting children with trauma histories.


Please Note:  The LoveMore Institute is a 501(c)(3) Nonprofit. Our work is made possible by the generosity of people like you. Charitable donations can be made here through PayPal’s Giving Fund Program. Purchases made from product links result in a small affiliate commission to The  LoveMore Institute paid by Amazon.com. Thank you for this. Learn more about The  LoveMore Institute’s work visit: Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter | Medium  | Patreon

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3 Comments

Tony Rugg · July 1, 2021 at 3:45 am

This article is clear, concise and practical. I have found it to be true. Since I started following similar principles in previous podcasts, my relationship with my son has improved remarkably. Before we began to practice these things, my son was angry, using drugs, argumentative and estranged. He often made comments like, “you don’t understand”, “you don’t care”, “all you care about is my grades”, etc. Since we have been practicing these 6 secrets, we have had only one short-lived fight in 10 months, he’s quit drugs, he’s learned to take responsibility for his schoolwork, grades, and his daily living. He cooks his own meals (and is becoming quite the chef!), washes his own clothes, and is cultivating healthy friendships. He actually asks permission for everything he wants to do, and listens to reason – and complies. Best of all, we really enjoy each other. The biggest change, though, is that my wife and I started listening to him with open minds and hearts, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Before we were always misinterpreting is responses as some form of laziness, and working our agenda instead of validating his feelings and thoughts as legitimate. I guess you have to give love and trust if you want to get it. When we changed, he changed.

    David Durovy · July 6, 2021 at 8:29 pm

    Tony, thank you for your inspiring story. I am very touched by it and wonder if I could share this in another article? There is so much in here that I think others can benefit from. Your message is loud and clear — things can change, but it takes us to change first.

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